A Few More Ghosts for N-Space
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Chapter 4
in which Jeremy meets the airlock and finds out how it works
"Okay," said the space sponge, "you win. But next time, I really AM
going to perform some nasty experiments on you."
With that, it started moving down the corridor. Jeremy breathed a
sigh of relief, and headed in the opposite direction, hoping the sponge
wouldn't change its mind and come looking for him. "I know," he thought
to himself, "I'll hide somewhere where that horrible space sponge will
never find me!"
He noticed a door marked "Airlock," and ducked inside. He quickly
found the button to close the door, and pressed it. "That's better," he
said.
"But I wonder what this other button is for?"
"Doctor, are you done yet?"
"Captain Grelber, may I point out that you have now asked me that
question seventeen times in as many minutes?"
"You said all you had to do was reverse the polarity of the neutron
flow and all the gerbils would be back in their cages where they
belong!"
The Doctor was about to answer when Sarah looked up at the viewscreen
and asked, "Doctor, isn't that Jeremy floating around out there?"
The Doctor and Grelber looked up at the screen. "I say," said
Grelber. "Things are looking up after all!"
***
Chapter 5
in which Jeremy meets the space sponge again
Jeremy was a bit surprised to be floating around in space. "I say,"
he said, "shouldn't I be dead or something like that?"
The space sponge floated up to Jeremy. "Well, yes... if you were
actually in space, which you're not."
"I'm not?"
"No, but if you really want to be, I can certainly have that
arranged. By the way, I'm the space sponge, you're Jeremy, this is next
time, and I really am going to perform some nasty experiments on you."
"Oh. I thought I escaped from you by hiding in the airlock, though!"
"That was no airlock. That was the entrance to my lab." The sponge
floated past Jeremy, and returned with a very nasty-looking device with
lots of needles sticking out of it.
"I say, that was rather stupid of me, wasn't it? And is that a
nasty-looking device with lots of needles sticking out of it?"
"Yes, it was, and yes, it is. Try not to make too much noise,
now..."
"But if I'm still on the ship, the Doctor might find me, and put a
stop to your horrible experiments!"
"Well, you're on the ship, but I sent an image of you floating around
in space to the viewscreen. Everyone thinks you're dead."
"You mean they think I'm stupid enough to eject myself into deep
space by pressing the wrong button in an airlock?"
The sponge just smiled, and activated the torture device.
"I say," said Jeremy, "That was a pretty stupid question I just
asked, wasn't it?"
***
Chapter 6
in which Captain Grelber can't remember where the computer is
The Doctor looked up from the control panel. "Captain Grelber, are
you quite sure this is the computer room?"
"Well, pretty sure, I guess... why do you ask?"
"I ask because all of this equipment says 'Mr. Coffee' on it."
Grelber looked at the panel. "You're right, it does. I suppose this
must not be the computer room, then."
"Grelber, we've been through half the rooms on this level looking for
the computer room. Are you even sure this is the right level?"
"Well, now that you mention it, no. Hey, I've got an idea! Why
don't we go to the computer room, and ask the computer where the
computer room is?" Grelber thought for a minute and said, "I can't
believe I just said that. Well, I suppose we'll just have to keep
looking."
"You really don't seem to know your ship very well, Captain."
"Well, I knew where the scout pod room was. I sent Sarah out with a
few of the officers to retrieve Jeremy's body. Unless... oh no."
"What is it?"
"You know, I don't think that was the scout pod room at all. I'm
beginning to think I sent them out in one of the garbage pods. I
suppose I'll have to find the scout pod room, and sent out a pod to
retrieve them. There's a problem, though."
"What's that?"
"I've forgotten where the scout pod room is. Maybe we should go to
the computer room, and see if the computer knows where the scout pod
room is...except we still haven't found the computer room."
"My dear fellow, I'm beginning to think those escaped gerbils know
this ship better than you do."
"You know, I think you're probably right."
As the Doctor and Grelber left the coffee room, one of the officers
came running down the hallway. "Captain, sir! The gerbils must have
got into the communications circuits! We can't contact the scout pod
you sent out!"
"Er... yes, well, that's a problem. We'll have to do something
about that, won't we? Maybe you should go take another scout pod out,
and find them."
"Very good, sir." The officer ran back the way he came.
Grelber turned to the Doctor, and asked, "Do you suppose I should
have asked him where the computer room is?"
***
Chapter 7
in which the Sponge continues with those nasty experiments
Jeremy was a bit uncomfortable. Most people are when they're
suspended upside down from the ceiling, tied up with barbed wire, and
threatened with a nasty-looking device by a space sponge.
The sponge smiled at Jeremy. "Comfortable?"
"Of course not, you horrible sponge!"
The sponge smiled some more. "Good! Then we can begin. I'll go put
on a Barry Manilow album."
As the sponge floated away, Jeremy considered the situation. He was
being tortured by a sadistic sponge, and everyone thought he was a
corpse floating around in space, which probably meant they weren't all
out looking for him.
As Jeremy considered this, the door opened, and Captain Grelber
looked in.
"I say, this isn't the computer room, is it? Oh, it's you. Never
mind!"
As the door closed, Jeremy thought this over. The sponge floated
back, and asked, "Who was that?"
"That was the captain. He knows I'm here, and I'm sure he's gone off
to find the Doctor, who will put a stop to these horrible experiments!"
"Well, knowing the captain, that probably won't be for a while.
You've got a lot of time left here with me."
Jeremy considered this. "What do you mean? Are you trying to tell
me that even if the captain knew I was here, he probably wouldn't do
anything about it?"
"Well, I'm trying, but it isn't easy."
"But he'll at least tell the Doctor!"
"What if he does? They'll know you're alive and out of the way, so
they can get on with more important things."
"What's more important than me?"
The sponge smiled. "Think about what you just asked, Jeremy."
Jeremy thought for a minute. "I say, I suppose that was another
stupid question, wasn't it?"
The sponge pressed a button on the nasty-looking device, and Jeremy
lost consciousness. "Yes, Jeremy. It was."
***
Chapter 8
in which Captain Grelber meets Jeremy again
As Grelber walked down the hallway, he realized he had just seen
someone who was supposed to be dead. "Hmmm... well, I'll have to
remember to tell the Doctor, once we've found the computer room." He
opened a door at random, and looked inside. He smiled, and activated a
communications panel.
"Doctor! Get up here fast! I've found the computer room!"
"All right, my dear fellow. There's no need to shout."
Grelber took another look at the computer. The Doctor was already
sitting in front of it. "Oh. You've found it."
"Yes. I've just started work on the calculations."
"Oh. Good! I'll leave you to it, then." Grelber started to leave,
and then paused. "By the way, Doctor, I've just seen Jeremy."
"Oh, is that scout pod back already with his body?"
"Actually, he was alive, and in one of the rooms on this level. I
suppose I should go check on the pod, though, now that you mention it.
I say, here he is now!" Jeremy entered the room, and stood by the door.
"Jeremy, I'm on my way down to the scout pod room. Everyone thought you
were floating around dead outside, and Sarah insisted that your body be
retrieved. Want to come with me?"
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"I mean that Sarah and some of my officers went out in a pod to look
for you, because they thought you were out there, and not in here. I
sent them out in the wrong kind of pod, but I sent another after them.
They should be back by now. Would you like to come with me down to the
scout pod room?"
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
Grelber turned to the Doctor. "Is he always like this?"
The Doctor glanced up at Jeremy. "Well, I must say, he seems like
his normal self."
Grelber turned back to Jeremy. "Right. Jeremy, I'll keep it simple
this time. I'm going down to the scout pod room, and you're going to
follow me."
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"Move!" Grelber pushed Jeremy out the door. "Doctor, you will let
me know when you're done, won't you?"
"Yes, of course, my dear fellow. The sooner we get this done, the
better."
"All right, then." Grelber walked down the hallway, dragging Jeremy
along. "Jeremy, we're going down to the scout pod room now, assuming I
can find it."
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"Jeremy, I'm not sure if this is actually possible, but you seem even
more idiotic than the first time I met you."
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"Jeremy, shut up."
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"Jeremy, if you keep this up, you really are going to wind up
floating around in space."
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
When Jeremy woke up, we was a bit surprised to see two more of him on
the other side of the room. The sponge floated up to him. "Surprise,
Jeremy! While you were unconscious, I cloned you. I sent one of the
clones out so nobody will bother looking for you, even if Captain
Grelber does tell the Doctor that he saw you here. The clones aren't
perfect, but I think they're probably close enought to fool everyone."
"I don't understand," said Jeremy. "What do you mean?"
***
Chapter 9
in which the sponge tortures Jeremy some more
Jeremy stared at the sponge. "Are you seriously telling me that you
made copies of me while I was unconscious?"
"Jeremy, how else would you explain the presence of those two clones
over there?"
Jeremy thought about this for a minute. "I can't."
"Well, would it make you any happier if I got rid of them for you?"
"I say, would you do that, please?"
"Certainly, Jeremy. I'd be happy to." The sponge floated over to a
cabinet for a minute, and returned with a chainsaw.
"Wait a minute, when I said you should get rid of them, I meant move
them out of the room or something like that!"
The sponge smiled. "Don't worry about it. Like I said, they're only
imperfect copies, and besides, I can always make more later." The
sponge started up the chainsaw.
After it was over, Jeremy said "I think I'm going to be very sick."
"Go ahead. It doesn't bother me!" The sponge floated back over to
the cabinet and put the chainsaw away. "As long as you clean it up, of
course."
"How am I supposed to clean it up when I'm tied up with barbed wire
and hanging upside down from the ceiling?"
"Well, if you can't clean it up, don't be sick. Excuse me while I
change the record." The sponge floated over to the stereo. "Here we
go, Jeremy! Manilow in concert!"
Jeremy decided he really was going to be sick.
The sponge floated back over. "That was most unfortunate, Jeremy.
How are you going to clean that up?"
Jeremy tried to reply, but only succeeded in making a few funny
noises.
"Well, just to show you you that I'm not totally warped, I'll help
you." The sponge pulled out its torture device, pressed a button, and
Jeremy was unconscious again.
Jeremy woke up a few hours later and looked around. There was no
sign of what had happened earlier. "I say, did I really clean the room?
I don't remember doing that!"
"Well, no, you wouldn't." The sponge floated into the room, with
another clone of Jeremy following it. "He might, though."
"Oh, no," said Jeremy. "Here we go again!"
***
Chapter 10
in which the first clone is examined
Grelber entered the computer room. "Well, the scout pod returned,
but I had to send it back out again."
"Oh, and why is that?"
Grelber looked a bit embarrassed. "It's because I forgot to mention
that they were supposed to be looking for a garbage pod and not another
scout pod."
"I see. Where's Jeremy?"
"I sent him to the ship's doctor. The first few times he said he
didn't understand what I was talking about, I thought he was being his
normal idiotic self. After he said it for about the tenth time, I
decided there was probably something wrong with him." Grelber glanced
at the computer. "Any progress with the gerbils?"
"Yes, the calculations are about half complete now."
"Well, I'll let you get on with it, then. I'll just go and see what
the ship's doctor thinks of Jeremy." Grelber left the computer room and
walked down to the lift. "Now, if I can just remember which level sick
bay is on..."
Doctor Smythe was not in a very good mood. He had been having a very
pleasant day, until Captain Grelber brought him the most idiotic patient
he had ever had to deal with. "Now, Jeremy, let's try this one more
time. I want you to say 'ah.'"
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
Smythe decided he had had quite enough of this, and moved on to the
parts of the examination that didn't require Jeremy to say anything. He
switched on a monitoring device and looked at the readout. "Well,
that's strange." He switched on another. "Now, that can't be right...
unless..." He fed all the information into the medical computer, and
checked the readout. "Ah... I was right, then." He looked at Jeremy.
"You're not the real thing, are you? You're a clone."
"I don't understand. What do you mean?"
"Of course you don't understand." Smythe activated the
ommunications panel. "Captain, I think you'd better get down here."
"I'm on my way," came the reply. "Er... what level is sick bay on,
anyway?"
Smythe sighed. "Level three, Captain."
"All right. See you in a few minutes. Grelber out."
A few minutes later, Grelber entered the room. Smythe looked up from
the computer. "Captain, take a look at this readout."
Grelber looked at it. "What's it mean?"
"It means that's probably not the real Jeremy. It's an imperfect
clone of him."
Grelber looked at the clone. "I don't understand," he said. "What
do you mean?"
***
Chapter 11
in which the situation does not improve
The sponge floated into the room. "All right, Jeremy, all the clones
are gone, except for the first one that's busy taking your place."
"I say, that certainly is a relief. I didn't really enjoy having
clones around."
The sponge smiled. "Well, I doubt if you'll enjoy what I've got
planned next, either."
"Oh, no. What have you got planned now?"
The sponge held up a funny-looking gun. "Target practice!"
"What?!"
"Oh, don't worry, it won't kill you, or even injure you. It might
hurt a little, though." The sponge fired a test shot, which hit Jeremy
in the arm. Jeremy screamed. "Well, maybe more than just a little."
The sponge floated over to the other side of the room. "Ready, Jeremy?"
"No."
The sponge floated back. "Really? Why not?"
"I don't like pain. Pain hurts."
The sponge considered this. "Well, I'll make it up to you. I'll let
you go when it's over."
Jeremy looked surprised. "Really? You mean it?"
The sponge smiled. "No."
"I say, that's not very nice of you."
"I suppose it isn't." The sponge floated back over to the other side
of the room. "But that's never stopped me before!"
Grelber looked at the clone. "You mean he's not really Jeremy?"
Smythe started printing out the readings. "That's right."
"Well, is there a cure or anything like that?"
Smythe looked up in surprise. "What, a cure for not being Jeremy? I
sincerely hope not!"
"Er... well, that's not quite what I meant." Grelber looked a bit
embarrassed. "Well, I'd better go tell the Doctor."
"Yes, go ahead. I'll just run a few more tests on the clone."
As Grelber was about to leave, the communications panel beeped. He
walked over to it and activated it. "Grelber here."
A panicked voice said, "Sir, the gerbils are getting into the main
power room! We're not sure how much longer we can..." The voice cut
off.
Grelber sighed. "Perfect. That's just what I needed to hear. Could
things possibly get any worse?"
The clone screamed and ran out of the room.
Grelber looked surprised. "Well, ask a silly question..."
***
Chapter 12
in which Jeremy's clone is blown up into very small pieces
Grelber ran into the computer room. "Doctor, you've got to do
something! The gerbils are in the power room, Jeremy isn't really
Jeremy, and..." He stopped, noticing that the Doctor wasn't in the room.
"Where could he have gone?" he said to himself. He looked around, and
noticed a note left for him. He picked it up. "Calculations done, gone
to help in main power room," he read. "Gerbil problem should be solved
soon." He was about to leave, when the communications panel beeped. He
activated it. "Grelber here. Can't it wait? I'm really in a big
hurry."
"Sorry, sir. I just thought you might like to know that the scout
pod is back. Commander Freeg has brought all the people in the garbage
pod to sick bay."
"Really? Why's that?"
"Something about garbage pods not having life support, sir."
"Oh. Is everyone all right?"
"They will be. Doctor Smythe says that Freeg got them back just in
time."
"Oh, well, that's all right, then. I'd better go now, I really am in
a big hurry. Grelber out." He deactivated the panel and ran out of the
room. A minute later, he came running back, and activated the panel
again. "It's me again. What level is the main power room on?"
"Level four, sir," came the reply.
"Thanks. Grelber out." Grelber ran out of the room again.
The Doctor looked up as Grelber came running into the power room.
"Ah, Captain Grelber. Just in time." He turned to the techinicians on
the other side of the room. "Ready?" They nodded, and wrapped some
cables around the railing surrounding the main generator. "All right,
then, on the count of three." He adjusted some settings on a nearby
control panel. "One..." He checked the readout on the panel. "Two..."
"Doctor, there's something I should tell you about Jeremy," said
Grelber.
"I don't understand! What do you mean?!"
The Doctor looked up in surprise as Jeremy's clone came running into
the room, jumped over the railing, and fell down towards the generator.
"Everybody out!" he shouted. They all ran out of the room and closed
the door. A minute later, the generator exploded.
Grelber got up off the floor and opened the door to the power room.
"I say, what a mess! I'd better get some people up here to clean this
up." He turned to the techinicians. "You guys better get down to the
auxiliary power room and see about getting us up to full power soon."
They nodded and ran off down the hall.
The Doctor looked at what was left of the power room. "What was it
you wanted to tell me about Jeremy?"
Grelber looked confused. "What? Oh, Jeremy... it seems that wasn't
Jeremy after all. Doctor Smythe said it was a clone."
The Doctor looked surprised. "A clone?"
"That's what he said."
"Well, I don't remember bringing more than one Jeremy with me, so he
must have been cloned on the ship."
"Was there time for that? I mean, if the original really did somehow
manage to eject himself into space."
"No, there couldn't have been. And considering that the clone didn't
show up until well after we thought Jeremy was dead, he must still be
alive on the ship somewhere."
Grelber sighed. "The situation just keeps getting worse, doesn't
it."
***
Chapter 13
in which Jeremy is not rescued
The sponge floated up to Jeremy. "Well, Jeremy, wasn't that fun? I
must say, I really enjoyed that."
Jeremy just stared at the sponge and moaned. The sponge floated up
to the ceiling and disconnected the cable suspending Jeremy from the
ceiling. Jeremy fell to the floor. "I say," said Jeremy, "are you going
to let me go now?"
The sponge smiled at Jeremy. "Would it make you happy?"
"Yes, it would!"
"Well, that's too bad, because I'm not going to." The sponge floated
over to a control panel.
"By the way," said Jeremy, "why is it that I was floating around when
I was first in here, but not when I was hanging upside down from the
ceiling? And you've been floating around all the time!"
"Well, Jeremy, that's an interesting question. Part of the answer
has to do with the fact that I can float around anywhere I want to,
within reason."
"Oh. But I can't! So why was I floating around when I came in
here?"
The sponge looked at the control panel. "I don't know, Jeremy, maybe
it has something to do with this." It flicked a switch, and Jeremy
floated up off the floor. The sponge smiled. "Yes, that could be it."
"I say, I'm floating again! Did you do that?"
"What's that, Jeremy?" The sponge flicked the switch back to its
original position, and Jeremy fell back to the floor.
"It has something to do with that control panel, doesn't it?"
"What, this control panel?" The sponge flicked the switch on, let
Jeremy float up a few feet above the floor, then flicked it back,
letting Jeremy fall back to the floor again.
"You know perfectly well what control panel!"
"Oh, so you do mean this panel!" The sponged played with the switch
some more, bouncing Jeremy all over the room. "Well, that's enough of
that. Let's see about getting you on the rack, now!"
Jeremy looked a bit worried. "The rack?"
The sponge smiled. "Don't worry, Jeremy. It won't be any worse than
anything else that's happened to you so far."
"I say, that certainly is a relief!" Jeremy thought about that for a
minute. "No, wait a minute, it isn't, is it?"
The door opened, and Captain Grelber looked in. "A clone of Jeremy
just jumped into the generator. We think the real Jeremy may be on the
ship somewhere. Is that him?"
The sponge floated up to Grelber. "No, Captain. It's another one
of those annoying clones."
"Wait a minute, I'm the real thing!" shouted Jeremy.
Grelber looked at Jeremy, and then back at the sponge. "Yes, I see
what you mean."
"Don't worry, I've got him all taken care of. You've got nothing to
worry about. This one won't be going anywhere near the generator."
"Well, that's good." Grelber looked at the sponge suspiciously.
"Wait a minute, you're not a member of my crew! I don't know you!"
"You should know me, Captain. Have you forgotten?"
"Forgotten? Oh, yes, that's probably it."
"Captain, don't listen to him! The sponge is a liar, and it's not
very nice, either!"
Grelber looked at Jeremy, and then turned back to the sponge. "You
know, these clones are almost as annoying as the real thing. Good luck
with him." Grelber turned to leave.
"Thank you, Captain." The sponge closed the door and floated back to
Jeremy.
Jeremy glared at the sponge. "That wasn't very nice of you. Now he
thinks I'm just another clone. Why did you do that?"
The sponge smiled and pulled out another nasty-looking torture device.
"I would have thought the answer was obvious, Jeremy. Now, let's see
about that rack, shall we?"
***
Chapter 14
in which Grelber decides to look for Jeremy again
Grelber entered what was left of the main power room. Half a dozen
technicians were working on repairs, and the Doctor was talking to Main
Engineer Jenkins. Grelber walked over to the Doctor. "Well, Doctor, I
couldn't find Jeremy anywhere."
One of the technicians looked up. "We're finding him, sir. All over
the room."
Grelber glared at him. "That's enough out of you, thank you very
much." He turned back to the Doctor. "I did find another clone, but no
trace of the original."
"Another clone? How did you know he wasn't the original?"
"Well, because the sponge with him told me he wasn't."
"The sponge, you say?"
"Yes, and that's the strange part. I don't remember having a sponge
in my crew, and you'd think I'd remember something like that."
Jenkins smiled. "Oh, I don't know about that, sir."
Grelber looked at Jenkins. "What do you mean?"
"Well, there was that goat you had as navigator last year, sir. I'll
bet you don't remember him!"
"Goat? What goat?"
"See what I mean?"
Grelber considered this. "Wait a minute, Roberts was navigator last
year! He was no goat."
"Well, he acted like one. Excuse me a minute, sir." Jenkins walked
over to some technicians on the other side of the room.
Grelber turned back to the Doctor. "I wish they wouldn't try to
confuse me like that."
"Yes, you seem confused enough already, I must say. Now, where did
you see Jeremy?"
"You know, I don't really remember. I suppose I'll have to go look
for him again. I'll be back if anything important happens." Grelber
walked out of the room. A minute later, he returned. "Doctor, would
you happen to know what level that was on?"
"My dear Captain Grelber, how am I supposed to know where you saw
Jeremy?"
Grelber thought for a minute. "Sorry. Silly question."
***
Chapter 15
in which the sponge gets another victim
The sponge floated up to Jeremy. "Well, Jeremy, how do you like the
rack?"
"I don't."
"Good! By the way, it's electrified." The sponge floated over to a
control panel.
"It's what?"
The sponge floated back to Jeremy. "Electrified. As in electricity.
Is it safe for me to assume you know what electricity is?"
"Yes, of course it is!"
"Good." The sponge floated back to the control panel. "Would you
like me to start you with a high or low setting?"
"The low setting sounds pretty good to me."
The sponge smiled. "All right, then, I'll start you out on the high
setting."
"But I said I'd prefer the low setting!"
The sponge smiled some more. "I know you did. That's why I'm
starting you out on the high setting."
"I say, I've had enough of this!" Jeremy began struggling to escape.
The sponge floated back over to Jeremy. "On second thought, I won't
turn it on yet. Watching you try to escape is so much more
entertaining!"
The door opened, and Captain Grelber entered. "Ah, there you are."
The sponge was surprised. "Back already, Captain?"
"Yes. You know, I think that's the real Jeremy you have on the rack
there."
Jeremy struggled some more. "Yes, Captain, I am!"
Grelber turned to the sponge. "As much as I think he deserves to be
tortured, I really think you should let the little idiot go."
The sponge smiled. "I don't think so."
Grelber pulled a gun. "Let him go!"
"All right, Captain, anything you say." The sponge floated over and
released Jeremy from the rack. Jeremy left the room as fast as he
could, closing the door behind him.
Grelber lowered the gun. "That's better. Now then, you're not
really a member of my crew, are you? I'm sure I'd remember if I had a
space sponge on the ship."
The sponge floated over to a computer console. "Sure I'm in your
crew. I'll prove it - take a look at this."
Grelber walked over to the computer, and looked at the screen. "In
the event of something happening to me... there is something I would
like you all to see... it's just a photograph of someone that I
knew..." As Grelber read the screen, the sponge floated over to a shelf
and picked up a torture device. Grelber turned back to the sponge.
"This is an old Bee Gees song! What's this supposed to prove?"
The sponge smiled. "Nothing, Captain. But while you were reading
it, I had time to get this." The sponge held up the torture device.
Grelber stared. "I say, is that a nasty-looking device with lots of
needles sticking out of it?"
"Yes, it is."
"Well, then, I think I think I'll be going now. Sorry to have wasted
your valuable time like this..." Grelber turned and ran for the door,
but found it closed.
The sponge floated up to him. "Why are you running, Captain? You've
got a gun!"
Grelber looked confused. "What? Oh, that's right!" Grelber pulled
out the gun and aimed it at the sponge. "Open the door."
"I don't think so, Captain. You're going to have to shoot me."
"If you insist!" Grelber pulled the trigger, but nothing happened.
The sponge smiled. "What's the matter, Captain?"
Grelber stared at the gun. "I think I forgot to load it."
"I'm not surprised." The sponge held up the torture device. "Now, I
seem to have lost Jeremy, thanks to you. You can take his place on the
rack."
Grelber sighed, and walked over to the rack. "This just isn't my
day."
***
Chapter 16
in which Jeremy goes to help rescue Captain Grelber
"I say, I've just escaped from a horrible space sponge, but now it's
got Captain Grelber! Shouldn't you be rescuing him or something instead
of wasting time examining me?"
Doctor Smythe looked up from the examination printout. "Jeremy,
anything that has something to do with you is a waste of time. Still,
you're not as bad as your clone was." He threw the printout in the
garbage. "Now, I suppose we should see about getting the Captain back.
Do you think maybe you can remember where he is?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Good. Engineer Jenkins will be here in a few minutes. You can show
him where Captain Grelber is."
"I say, why aren't you going to help rescue him?"
Smythe looked a bit annoyed. "Jeremy, in case you haven't noticed,
I'm the ship's doctor, and right now, I have a pod full of people -
including your friend Sarah - to thaw out."
Jeremy thought this over. "Oh."
The door opened, and Jenkins walked in. "Hi, Smythe. Where's the
little idiot who knows where the Captain is?" Smythe pointed to Jeremy.
"Oh, there he is. Hello, idiot." He turned back to Smythe. "Any
progress on the pod people?"
"I'm just about to thaw them out."
"Make sure you thaw out an officer or two. We're going to need
someone to greet the ship that's arriving."
Smythe looked puzzled. "What ship?"
"Well, now that we've got a generator problem in addition to the
gerbil problem, we thought we'd call for some help. The company's
sending Igor the Gerbil Specialist."
Jeremy spoke up. "I say, you've got a sponge problem too!"
Jenkins glared at him. "Yes, but that's about as important as the
Jeremy problem right now. Come on, let's go." He left the room.
Smythe looked at Jeremy. "You're supposed to go with him, you know."
"Oh, I say, that's right, isn't it!" Jeremy ran after Jenkins.
Smythe walked over to the pod. "Well, I'd better see about getting
you people thawed out. We're going to need someone to run the ship for
a few years while Jeremy tries to remember where the Captain is."
***
Chapter 17
in which not much is accomplished
"Are you sure this is the right door, Jeremy?"
"Yes, of course I'm sure this is the right door! Why do you ask?"
"Because you were sure about the last twenty we opened, too."
"Yes, well, now I'm sure this is the right one."
Jenkins opened the door, and looked inside the room. "Jeremy, this
is fascinating! Take a look at this!"
Jeremy looked surprised. "I say, is this actually the right one?"
"Take a look, and tell me what you think."
Jeremy looked inside the room. He saw several potted plants, several
cans of lima beans, a muffler covered in duct tape, and a broken TV set.
He did not see a sponge, a rack, or Captain Grelber. "I say, this must
not be the right one, then."
"You know what, idiot? I think you're right." Jenkins closed the
door, and they moved down the hallway to the next door. "Well, idiot,
what do you think of this one?"
Jeremy examined the door. "I say, this must be the one! I'm sure of
it!"
Smythe started to open the pod, and then paused. "I wonder why I
need to thaw a few officers out in such a hurry? Commander Freeg should
be around somewhere." He went over to the communications panel, and
activated it. "Jenkins? Trying to thaw the pod people out quickly could
be dangerous, and besides, Commander Freeg should be around somewhere.
He can go greet Igor's ship."
"Commander who?"
"Freeg. The guy who brought the pod back."
"Funny, I don't remember him. I suppose it would be all right to
have him greet Igor, though."
"Okay, I'll tell him. By the way, have you had any luck finding the
Captain?"
There was a pause. "Jeremy says he's sure we'll find him."
"I see. Well, good luck." Smythe switched channels. "Freeg, are
you there?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Right... whatever. Anyway, I want you to get ready to greet a ship
that'll be arriving soon."
"I can do that."
"Yes, I know you can. You'll be greeting someone called 'Igor the
Gerbil Specialist.'"
"I would prefer not to."
Smythe thought that over. "Why not?"
"No particular reason, I just don't feel like it."
"Freeg, suppose you came in here with your liver where your brain's
supposed to be, and I just didn't feel like putting you back together?"
"Is that going to happen?"
"It is if you don't go greet Igor's ship."
"All right, then, I'll do it."
"Good." Smythe deactivated the communications panel, and went back
over to the pod. "You know, thawing you people out quickly might not be
such a bad idea after all."
***
Chapter 18
In which Igor arrives
Commander Freeg stood by the door to the airlock, in full dress
uniform. Doctor Smythe walked up to him. "Ah, I see you've got your
dress uniform on, Commander."
"No, I don't."
Smythe stared at him for a minute. "You don't? It certainly looks
like you do."
"Well, it is a dress uniform, but it's not mine."
"It isn't yours?"
"No, I found it in Commander Johnson's room."
"There is no Commander Johnson on this ship."
"Well, yes, I know that."
"Then why would he have a room?"
"I don't know. Why don't you ask the captain?"
"Because we don't know where the captain is."
"Well, then, why don't you find him?"
As they discussed the matter further, the airlock door opened, and a
man in a lime green leisure suit stepped into the hallway. He glanced
at them, and then walked down the hallway. A few minutes later, he
returned. "Excuse me, is there a bathroom on this level?"
Freeg thought for a minute. "Yes. Down the hall, take the second
left, then take the left after that, then the next left, then another
left, and then make a right. You can't miss it."
"Thanks." He walked back down the hallway.
Freeg turned back to Smythe. "Who was that?"
Smythe turned and looked at the airlock control panel. "Well,
according to this, a ship docked here about five minutes ago."
"So?"
"So that's probably Igor."
"Oh." Freeg considered this. "Wasn't I supposed to greet him?"
"Yes."
"So why didn't I?"
"Because you were talking to me."
"Oh."
Igor walked back to them a few minutes later. "Hi. I'm Steve. Call
me Ed."
Freeg looked surprised. "I thought you were Igor!"
"Well, yes, sometimes. Not today, though."
Smythe shook Igor's hand. "Welcome to the ship. You're going to
feel right at home around here!"
***
Chapter 19
in which a real airlock is found and Captain Grelber is not
Jenkins deactivated the communications panel and turned back to
Jeremy. "Igor's on board now."
Jeremy considered this. "So?"
"We still haven't found Captain Grelber."
"Well, all these doors look the same! How am I supposed to remember
where the sponge is torturing him?"
"Can't you remember anything that might help us find the right room?"
Jeremy thought for a minute. "Well, the door was marked 'airlock.'
I don't know if that helps..."
"Well, there are several dozen doors on this ship, but only five or
six marked 'airlock.' I'd say it probably helps."
"Oh. I say, it's a good thing I thought of that, isn't it?"
Jenkins looked as though he would really enjoy strangling Jeremy.
"Yes. It would have been even better if you had thought of that before
we searched half the levels on the ship, though."
"Well, now that I've thought of it, we should go around and open all
the airlocks, right?"
"No, Jeremy. That would probably be a bad idea."
"Why?"
"Let me put it this way. Suppose you went in an airlock, opened the
outside door, and it led outside the ship instead of into the room where
the Captain is?"
"I say, that would be a pretty stupid thing to do, wouldn't it?"
"Yes, Jeremy, it probably would, although I'd really love to see you
do that. Now, since it would be a good idea to find the Captain soon,
we should get some help." Jenkins noticed a crew member walking down
the hall. "Ensign Morten, would you come here a minute?"
Morten walked over to Jenkins. "What do you want?"
"We're looking for Captain Grelber. He's behind a door marked
'airlock.'"
"I suppose you want me to help you look for him."
Jenkins glared at him. "Well, it would help."
"Fine. Whatever." Morten walked down to the next door. "I'll just
try this airlock here." He opened the door, entered the airlock, and
pressed the button.
"I say," said Jeremy, "what if that's a real airlock?"
The inner door closed. Morten's last words were, "Oops. I hadn't
thought of that."
***
Chapter 20
in which the sponge's room is found
The sponge glared at Grelber. "You know, captain, you're not half as
much fun as Jeremy was."
"Why's that?"
"Well, for one thing, you seem to enjoy listening to the Manilow
albums."
Grelber looked a bit embarrassed. "Sorry."
The sponge floated over to a shelf and selected a few pieces of
torture equipment. "Don't be."
Grelber looked at the sponge suspiciously. "I say, you're not
thinking of using that torture stuff on me, are you?"
The sponge stared at Grelber. "I must admit, the thought had crossed
my mind."
"Well, you can just forget about it. I don't feel like having a
deranged mutant sponge wave nasty-looking things with sharp needles at
me while gerbils take over my ship."
The sponge smiled, picked up one of the torture devices, and floated
over to Grelber. "You mean like this?" It waved the device in
Grelber's face.
"Yes. That's exactly what I mean!"
"What would you think if I told you I was going to turn this thing
on?"
"I wouldn't be too surprised."
"Good."
Jeremy was tired of having Jenkins constantly calling him an idiot.
He began to think of how wonderful everyone would think he was if he
actually managed to find Captain Grelber. Then he noticed another door
marked 'airlock.' "I say, I think I've found it!"
"Jeremy, we went past that one before. That's the one Ensign Morten
tried."
"Oh."
The communications panel buzzed. Jenkins walked over and activated
it. "Jenkins here, what do you want?"
There was a pause. "A vacation."
"Other than that, I mean."
"Sorry, sir, I just thought you might like to know that we're getting
a big power drain in this area. We've traced it to a room marked
'airlock.' The strange thing is that there isn't supposed to be an
airlock there."
"I say," said Jeremy, "do you suppose that could be the room we're
looking for?"
Jenkins glanced at Jeremy, and then turned back to the communications
panel. "On my way. Jenkins out." He turned back to Jeremy. "No, of
course it isn't. It's probably just a coincidence that there's a big
power drain coming from a room that seems to fit the description of what
we're looking for."
Jeremy considered this. "Oh. So why are we bothering to go and
look?"
Jenkins looked at the ceiling and slowly counted to ten. "Well,
Jeremy, it's on the same level as one of the storerooms. Maybe we can
stop in and get you a functioning brain."
"Oh, I say, that would be nice!"
***
Chapter 21
in which the Doctor meets the Gerbil Inspector
Smythe entered the power room. "Doctor, are you in here?"
The Doctor looked up from a control panel. "Yes."
"I thought you might want to meet Igor, the Gerbil Specialist."
"Ah, well, where is he?"
"What?" Smythe looked around. "He was with me a minute ago..." The
communications panel beeped, and Smythe switched it on. "Smythe here."
"We've just had another ship arrive, sir. The Gerbil Inspector is
here. He wants to meet the Doctor. He's on his way up to the power
room."
"All right. Do you know where Igor is?"
"Yes, he's with the inspector."
"Okay. Smythe out." He turned back to the Doctor. "Well, he'll be
up here in a minute or two. Any progress on the gerbil situation?"
"Yes, I think I've got the problem almost solved."
The door opened, and Igor and the Gerbil Inspector walked in. The
inspector walked over to the Doctor. "So, you're the 'Doctor.'"
"Yes."
"Gerbil Inspector Vrig. May I see your gerbil license, sir?"
"Captain, keep still! How am I supposed to attach all these wires
correctly if you keep squirming like that?"
Grelber just glared at the sponge and struggled even more.
"I'll admit it won't be too pleasant for you if I connect the wires,
Captain, but have you considered what will happen if they're connected
wrong?"
Grelber stopped struggling.
"That's better." The sponge connected all the wires, and floated
over to a switch. "Are you ready, captain?"
The door opened, and Jeremy and Jenkins walked in. Jenkins walked
over to Grelber and began to disconnect the wires.
"Stop! What are you doing?" The sponge floated over to Jenkins.
"You can't just walk in here and take away my torture victim like that!"
Jenkins glared at the sponge. "Why not?"
The sponge pulled out a gun and pointed it between Jenkins' eyes.
"This is why not."
"Ah."
"I am, however, willing to negotiate."
"You are?"
"Yes. I'll release Captain Grelber on one condition."
"What's that?"
The sponge pointed to Jeremy. "Give him back."
***
Chapter 22
in which the Doctor has an argument with the Gerbil Inspector
The Doctor looked faintly annoyed. "My gerbil license?"
"Yes." Vrig pulled out a small computer pad and waved it at the
Doctor. "Gerbil Handbook, chapter four, section thirteen. If you're
going to try to solve this ship's gerbil problem, you have to have a
gerbil license."
"Well, my dear fellow, I simply don't happen to have a gerbil
license."
"Really. And why's that?"
"Because I don't belive in them, that's why! When I arrived on this
ship, they were having a serious gerbil problem, so I offered to help.
Nothing was said about a license."
"I'm afraid that argument isn't any good, sir. This kind of problem
can only be dealt with by licensed gerbil specialists. Like Igor, for
example." He turned to Igor. "Igor, show the Doctor your gerbil
license."
Igor looked a bit uncomfortable. "My gerbil license?"
"Yes. Let's see it."
"Well, sir, you see..."
Vrig stared at Igor. "You do have one, don't you?"
"Yes, sir, but..."
"Well?"
"I... forgot to bring it with me, sir."
"I see."
The Doctor glared at Vrig. "Well, what now, Inspector?"
"Well, the answer's obvious. You will cease work on the gerbil
problem immediately. Nothing further can be done about the gerbil
situation on this ship until someone with a license arrives."
Igor considered the possibilities. "Can't you issue one, sir?"
"Certainly not! It's not my job."
The Doctor thought for a minute. "Excuse me, Inspector, but who's in
charge of you console operators these days? It's R'Tli'k, isn't it?"
Vrig glared at the Doctor. "Exalted R'Tli'k, yes."
"Yes, well as I was saying to it in the club" - the Doctor did a
quick mental calculation - "a few weeks from now, 'The wrong sort of
beings are creeping into your lot, R'Tli'k.'"
Vrig smiled. "That kind of talk doesn't impress me, Doctor."
"Or did I say, 'That Gerbil Inspector Vrig fellow is doing a fine
job, I think you should give him a promotion'? Yes, I'm sure that's
what I said."
Vrig turned very pale, and put his computer pad away. "I saw both
your licenses. Everything was in order. You may proceed to work on the
gerbil problem."
"Good." The Doctor turned to Igor. "Well, that's cleared up that
little problem. Shall we get to work?"
***
Chapter 23
in which another problem arises
Grelber staggered down the hall, supported by Jenkins. "So, what's
the situation now? Is the gerbil problem solved?"
"I'm afraid not, captain. We're probably close to a solution,
though. Last I heard, the Doctor had thought of a few things that might
work, and now we've got Igor the gerbil specialist here to help too."
"Well, that's good." An exposion rocked the ship, and half a dozen
different alarms went off all at once. "I say, this wasn't one of the
things the Doctor thought of, was it?"
"Not that I know of, sir." Jenkins propped Grelber up against the
wall and walked over to a communications panel. "Jenkins here, what's
the situation?"
"Well, a while ago, the Gerbil Inspector came on board."
"Okay..."
"After having a little discussion with Igor and the Doctor, he
decided he wanted to smoke."
"Really. I assume he was informed of the ship's strict no smoking
policy?"
"Yes. Apparently, he decided it would be all right to go find a room
with nobody else around, and smoke anyway."
"Well, of course. Half the crew does that."
"The little problem we just had was caused by the fact that he
decided to go smoke in one of the fuel storage rooms."
Jenkins groaned. "I see. Is the situation under control?"
"Well, not really, sir. Half the computer readouts are telling us
that the whole ship is about to explode, and the cafeteria system has
just put Reuben Pie on the menu for the next six weeks."
"This is terrible!"
"I know, sir. Reuben Pie just makes me want to throw up."
"Well, actually, I was referring to the possibility of the ship
exploding. If that happens, there won't be enough of you left to throw
up, down, sideways, or any other direction you care to mention."
"That's true, sir."
"Still, you're right, Reuben Pie is pretty disgusting. Has the
computer suggested anything that can be done to prevent the ship
exploding?"
"Actually, sir, we've got the computers trying to solve the pie
problem."
"Well, I suggest you get them off the pie problem for now, and get
them to try to keep the ship from exploding."
"All right, sir."
"Good. Jenkins out." He turned back to Grelber. "I assume you
heard everything, sir?"
"I heard." Grelber shook his head. "Honestly, I disappear for a
little while, and things completely fall apart."
"Well, things weren't too wonderful even before you disappeared,
sir."
"That's true, but at least the food was edible then. I can't stand
Reuben Pie either."
***
Chapter 24
in which Captain Grelber goes to the bridge
"Well, captain, I suppose the sponge wasn't really serious about
torturing you. You're perfectly fine."
Grelber looked at Smythe suspiciously. "You're not just saying that
to get rid of me, are you?"
"What, just because I've got a garbage pod full of people defrosting,
and another couple dozen people in here because of that explosion? Of
course not, sir."
"Of course. Well, I suppose I'll be on my way, then. I'll go see
how the Doctor is doing."
"Oh, that reminds me. The Doctor told me to tell you that he was
very busy with half a dozen different problems, and if you want the ship
to stay in one piece, you'll leave him alone."
"Ah. I'll go see how Igor's doing, then."
"He's helping the Doctor."
"I see. Well, there must be somewhere I can go. Where is it
captains are supposed to go?"
"The bridge, maybe?"
"That's right! The bridge."
"Well, now that we've solved that little problem, I'll get back to my
work."
"Of course. I'm really looking forward to this. I haven't been to
the bridge in a long time." He stood up and left the room. A minute
later, he returned. "I know this is going to sound silly, but..."
Smythe sighed. "Down the hall to your left, second door, up two
levels."
"Thanks."
Grelber opened the door and walked out onto the bridge. An officer
got up from the captain's chair and looked at Grelber. "Who are you
supposed to be?"
Grelber felt a bit uneasy. "I'm Captain Grelber."
The officer pulled out a gun and pointed it at Grelber. "Liar!"
Someone else walked up to him. "I'll handle this, Johnson." He
turned to Grelber. "Is this some sort of sick joke?"
"Excuse me?"
"Captain Grelber died a week ago."
***
Chapter 25
in which Captain Grelber goes to the fridge
Captain Grelber stared in shock at the two officers on the bridge.
"What do you mean I'm dead?"
"I didn't say you were dead. I said Captain Grelber was dead."
"But I'm Captain Grelber!"
"You can't be. Captain Grelber is dead."
"I'm not dead! I'm standing here talking to you!"
"That's because you're not Captain Grelber."
The officer with the gun took careful aim at Grelber. "Would he be
Captain Grelber if I killed him?"
The other turned to him. "No, Johnson, he would be dead."
Johnson considered this. "Yes, but so is Captain Grelber."
"Look at it this way. If I killed you, would you be Captain
Grelber?"
"No, I would be dead."
"Exactly."
"But I never claimed to be Captain Grelber." He pointed to Grelber.
"He did."
Grelber looked a bit annoyed. "Yes, and that's because I am."
"You can't be. Captain Grelber is dead. You aren't. Therefore, you
are not Captain Grelber."
"Yes, but how do you know I'm dead?"
"You're not. Captain Grelber is."
Grelber sighed. "Let me put it this way, then. How do you know
Captain Grelber is dead?"
The two officers stared at him. "Everybody knows Captain Grelber is
dead!"
"Well, I don't, and I don't believe you. Prove to me that Captain
Grelber is dead."
"We can't do that."
"I didn't think so."
"We can't leave the bridge unattended."
"Then why don't you call someone up to take over?"
"There isn't anyone else on this ship who can do that."
"What happened to Commander Freeg?"
"There is no Commander Freeg on this ship."
"Yes, there is. Just try calling him on that communications panel."
"There wouldn't be any point. There is no Commander Freeg, so nobody
would answer."
"But if someone answered, wouldn't that prove that there is a
Commander Freeg?"
"No, it would just prove that there's someone on this ship pretending
to be the nonexistent Commander Freeg."
Johnson checked the setting on his gun. "This is ridiculous." He
aimed the gun at Grelber. "Why don't I just shoot him? Then we won't
have to worry about whether or not any of what he's saying is true."
The other officer turned to him. "Well, maybe that's going a bit
far."
Johnson lowered his gun. "Yes, I suppose it is."
"I say," said Grelber, "I've got an idea. Why doesn't one of you
stay on the bridge, and the other prove to me that I'm dead?"
"You're not dead."
"I mean prove that Captain Grelber is dead, then."
The two officers considered this. "That could work."
"Good. Prove to me that Captain Grelber is dead."
Johnson walked over to the door. "Out this way. I'll take you to
Grelber's corpse. We're keeping it refrigerated."
***
Chapter 26
in which Captain Grelber goes to the fridge
Grelber stared at the corpse. It looked nothing like him. He turned
to Johnson. "This corpse doesn't look anything like me."
"Well, of course it doesn't. It's Captain Grelber."
"I'm Captain Grelber! How many times do I have to tell you that?"
"You can call yourself Captain Grelber all you like. It doesn't
change the fact that that's Captain Grelber, and you're not."
Grelber prodded the corpse. "Well, where's his identification? How
do you know this is Captain Grelber?"
Johnson pointed to an identification card on the corpse. "There's
his ID. Take a look."
Grelber looked at it. "It's written in crayon!"
"So?"
Grelber pulled out his ID card. "Take a look at this." He handed it
to Johnson.
"It says Captain Grelber."
"Yes. Amazing, isn't it?"
"It's a forgery." Johnson dropped it on the floor and destroyed it
with a blast from his gun. "It wasn't written in crayon. All proper ID
cards are written in crayon."
"Oh, this is ridiculous! Do you mind if I use the communications
panel for a minute?"
Johnson looked at Grelber suspiciously. "I suppose you want to call
your imaginary Commander Freeg."
Grelber suppressed an urge to strangle Johnson. "Yes."
Johnson grinned. "Well, if it'll make you happy, you're welcome to
try."
Grelber activated the communications panel. "Commander Freeg?"
For a minute there was nothing but static. Then the reply came.
"Yes, sir?"
Johnson looked at the communications panel suspiciously. Grelber
grinned at him. "Ah, there you are, Freeg. For a minute I thought I
must be going crazy. I want you to come join me in the refrigerator."
There was a pause. "That's the strangest request I've had in a
while."
"Just get up here, Freeg."
"I would prefer not to."
"Do it anyway." Grelber deactivated the panel, and turned back to
Johnson. "Well, what have you got to say now?"
"I'm unconvinced."
"Of course you are." The door opened, and Freeg entered. Grelber
pointed at the corpse. "Freeg, does that look like me?"
Freeg looked at the corpse. "No. Why, is it supposed to be you?"
Grelber pointed at Johnson. "No, but he claims that it is."
"I never said that!" protested Johnson. "I said it was Captain
Grelber."
Freeg looked at Johnson in confusion. "How can this corpse be
Captain Grelber?" He pointed at Grelber. "He's Grelber. Who are you,
anyway?"
"I'm Commander Johnson."
Freeg considered this. "There is no Commander Johnson on this ship."
"Then why are you wearing my dress uniform?"
Grelber smiled. "Maybe he thought you wouldn't be needing it, since
you don't exist."
Johnson thought for a moment. Then he shook his head. "I'm sorry,
but I don't believe a word of this. I'm going to have to take you both
up to the bridge and see what Acting Captain Relf wants to do with you."
He pointed his gun at Grelber and Freeg. "Please move."
"You know," said Grelber as they left the room, "I'm beginning to
miss the sponge."
***
Chapter 27
in which things get a bit strange
Grelber and Freeg stepped out onto the bridge. Johnson went to the
officer in the captain's chair. "I showed him the corpse, but he's
still convinced he's Captain Grelber, and now there's someone else
calling himself Commander Freeg. I brought them both back up here."
Relf got up out of the chair. "Good work, Johnson."
Johnson sat down in the chair. "Thank you. Your turn."
"Right!" Relf rubbed his hands together and walked over to Grelber
and Freeg. "Where were you on the thirteenth?"
"Which one of us are you talking to?" asked Grelber.
"The thirteenth of what?" asked Freeg.
Relf stared at Grelber, and then at Freeg. "Maybe, but it's too
early to tell."
Grelber stared back at Relf. "You're not making a great deal of
sense, Mr. Relf, or whatever your name is."
Relf slapped Freeg across the face. "That's enough out of you!" he
screamed.
Suddenly the Doctor appeared on the bridge. "Gerbils in N-Space!
When the barrier gives way, this ship will be swarming with all the
gerbils in N-Space, and at the moment, I have no idea how to stop it."
A communications panel beeped, and Johnson answered it. "Yes, what
is it?"
There was a pause. "Who is this?"
"Commander Johnson."
"Well, it doesn't matter. Whoever you are, I just thought you'd like
to know that main crew section is leaving the ship under its own power.
We won't be needing you any more." The connection broke off.
Relf pushed the Doctor out of the way, and ran across the bridge to
the main computer panel. "Computer, what is the situation?"
"Yes," replied the computer.
The door suddenly appeared in the wall. It opened, and Sarah and Dr.
Smythe appeared. "Ah, there you are, Doctor," said Smythe. "Your
friend here has defrosted nicely. There don't appear to be any side
effects."
Sarah looked around in confusion. "Is there a kitchen in this place?
I could murder a cup of tea."
"Murder!" Johnson jumped up out of the captain's chair and pointed
at Sarah. "You murdered Captain Grelber! Admit it!"
Smythe stared at Johnson. "How could she have murdered Captain
Grelber? The captain is alive and well, and standing right over there."
He pointed to Grelber.
"No! He's not the captain! The captain's dead! I've seen the
body!"
The sponge floated over to Jeremy, who was once again suspended
upside down from the ceiling and tied up with barbed wire. "The
nightmare is coming to an end."
Jeremy stared at the sponge. "Whose nightmare? What are you talking
about?"
The sponge floated back across the room. "It's too early to tell."
***
Chapter 28
in which Captain Grelber wakes up
Capatin Grelber sat up and looked around in confusion. "I'm in sick
bay! How did I get here?"
Smythe hurried over to his bed. "Easy, Captain. You've had a nasty
shock."
"Have I?"
"Yes, but don't worry. Everything's fine now."
"What happened?"
"Well, we were having a little problem with gerbils. You wanted to
blame it on that Doctor guy and his two friends."
"Oh, that's right. But it wasn't his fault, was it?"
"No. In fact, he's solved our problem for us. We didn't have to
call for help after all."
"I see. How did I get here, then?"
"I was getting to that. You got in the way when the Doctor was
reversing the neutron polarity flow, or whatever it was. I assured him
you would be all right, so he and his friends left when the gerbils were
taken care of."
"Did anyone remember to thank him?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good." Grelber got up. "I think I'll be heading up to the bridge,
now, if that's all right with you."
"Well, I suppose. You should probably take it easy for a while,
though."
"All right." He turned to leave, then paused. "By the way, Smythe,
do we have any sponges on board?"
"Sponges? Certainly, sir." Smythe pulled out a small cardboard box.
"Did you need one?"
"No, I don't mean that kind of sponge. I mean a living one. One
that can talk."
Smythe gave Grelber a strange look. "Not that I know of, sir."
"Ah, well, maybe it left with the Doctor, then. By the way, where's
Commander Freeg? There are a few things I want to discuss with him."
"There is no Commander Freeg on this ship, sir." Smythe pointed to
the bed. "Maybe you'd better stay here for a while after all."
"No, no, I'm fine, really." Grelber thought for a moment. "No
Commander Freeg. So Commander Johnson was right, then."
"Commander who?"
***
Chapter 29
in which Jeremy meets the sponge again for the first time
Jeremy looked at the funny-looking sponge hovering in front of him
and tried to remember how to get back to the console room. Maybe
exploring the TARDIS on his own hadn't been such a great idea.
The sponge smiled. "Hello, Jeremy."
"I say," said Jeremy in surprise. "Do I know you?"
The sponge circled Jeremy. "Not really, but I know you. In fact, I
tortured you for a while."
Jeremy looked a bit uneasy, as if the sponge had just reminded him of
something very unpleasant. "I don't think I remember that."
"Well, no, you probably wouldn't. You'll remember it soon enough,
though." The sponge produced a nasty-looking device with lots of sharp
needles sticking out of it. "Does this bring back any pleasant
memories?"
Jeremy stared at the device and began to remember being tortured. "I
remember you using that thing on me, but that doesn't make any sense! I
don't think it ever happened, so why do I remember it?"
"You'll find out soon enough, Jeremy."
"What are you going to do?"
The sponge smiled. "Torture you again."
Jeremy began to back away. "I say, that doesn't sound like much
fun!"
The sponge floated closer to him. "Well, it's fun for me."
Jeremy looked around, and noticed an open door. He ducked inside,
and closed the door. "I'm safe from you in here, you nasty thing!" he
shouted.
"Well, that would be true if there wasn't another door."
Jeremy spun around and saw the sponge floating in the middle of the
room. He turned to leave and noticed that the doors to the room had
disappeared. He turned back to the sponge. "I suppose you're going to
torture me now."
The sponge thought for a moment. "Yes, for a while."
"Then what?"
"Then I'll put on a Manilow album and torture you some more." The
sponge smiled. "It'll be deja vu all over again!"
Captain Grelber appeared in the middle of the room. "I say, what am
I doing here?"
The sponge floated over to a control panel that had also appeared.
"Malfunction, probably. Your section ended recently, so you shouldn't
be here now." It pressed a button, and Captain Grelber disappeared.
The sponge floated back over to Jeremy and began to sing. "Now it
begins, now that he's gone, needles and pins, twilight till dawn..."
Jeremy stared at the sponge. "What?"
The sponge smiled. "Never mind. You probably don't know that song.
Still, it's a pretty good description of what's going to happen to you.
With real needles and pins, of course."
"Oh."
The sponge activated the torture device. "It might interest you to
know that the name of that song is 'The Big Hurt,' which is also
appropriate."
Jeremy screamed.
***
Chapter 30
in which Jeremy wakes up
Jeremy screamed, and sat up in bed. He looked around in confusion.
"I say, it was all a dream! Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that pizza
just before going to bed." He looked at the clock. It was three
o'clock in the morning. "Well, as long as I'm up, I might as well have a
snack."
He got up out of bed, found his slippers, and went to the kitchen.
He opened the refrigerator, and the space sponge floated out. "Hello,
Jeremy! As long as you're up, how would you like to come with me to N-
Space?"
Jeremy stared at the sponge in horror. Finally he managed to speak.
"No! You're not real! This must be a dream!"
"Oh, well. Never mind, then." The sponge pulled out a strange-
looking device. "Do you know what this is for, Jeremy?"
"Yes!" Jeremy turned to run.
The sponge pressed a button on the device, and Jeremy fell
unconscious on the floor. "Well, actually, no, you don't. But you'll
be thinking it over for a while." It floated over and made sure Jeremy
was sleeping in a very uncomfortable position. Then it smiled, and
faded as it floated up into the night sky.
A minute later, it returned to close the refrigerator. Then it left
again.
*The End*
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